The title for this is...I couldn't think of a proper title

A couple more days and I’m having my picture taken by a professional photographer. An artist really. Her photographs conjure up a lot of emotion in me. Happiness. A giggle. Teary eyes. That’s why I picked her. :) These were the pictures that were going to take place in June and then I forgot about going to Halifax to run a 5K. How I forgot that, I have no idea. I don’t run. I can ruck 13 Km but no running. Anyway…the photographs… And then I rescheduled again because I invested in a personal trainer for July (and subsequently August) so I thought, “why the heck would I take pics of my body and then spend a crazy amount of time, effort and money on a trainer and not capture THAT body?!!”

So. Wednesday. I’m very excited. Probably almost ridiculously. Changed up the diet. Changed up the exercise routine. Hair. Makeup. Tan. I’ve put a lot into what will be a one hour shoot... Because I’m worth it. I get kind of teary looking at those words right there.

I’m worth it.

Not long ago, that wouldn't have been something I would have said. I mean I had some shitty times when I was younger. Blah. Blah. Blah. That’s all part of growing up. I put the work into making my way to the top of my mountain, was doing well and…down I went. Only part way down but down just the same. I knew full well it was silly to allow myself to feel shitty about myself because of the actions of other. My brain knew it but the connection wasn't making it to my heart.

As I know, I can’t change someone else’s actions but I can change my reaction to their actions. So...investment in personal training. Investment in becoming Reiki level two certified. Body. Mind.

Since doing this, I have done a 180. I don’t even really know the person I was even just a short time ago. I know enough to take my lessons with me. I know enough to know that, back there in time, that is not who I am. This is who I am. I’m a freakin’ awesome Mom who loves her baby girl more than anything in the world. I’m a good daughter who loves and respects her parents. I’m a loyal and caring friend.  I’m a hard worker. I’m dedicated. I have integrity. I’m smart. I’m healthy. I’m happy. I'm grateful. And no, I don't live with perpetual sunshine up my ass. I have shitty days. I get bitchy. I have my moments. That's the key, they are moments. I don't live submersed in the crap anymore. Soooooo not worth wallowing in. Makes you stinky. Who wants to be around a stinky person? ;)

“So who are you doing these pictures for?”

"Me!!" :)

So. The artist. I hope I don't offend her when I call her that.... I have such huge respect for true photographers. I say true because hell, anyone can snap a picture. It takes an artist's eye to really capture a moment. Her name is Kandise Brown. Please check out her work. Whew...it's something else.

Life is good. It really is.

In a bit of a fog today. I think it’s a mix of having very little sleep for essentially a week, not eating enough and not drinking enough water. It’s also because the world continues to buzz around me and I feel like I’m standing still. I’m not in the usual whirl and swirl of “stuff.” I feel a bit like a spectator. And it’s not because people have been insensitive. Very much the opposite. Folks have been absolutely wonderful. Checking in. Saying hi. Giving me big hugs (that’s the best part). I’m a hugger so… I just feel like I’m in slow motion. Everything has finally caught up with me. I am officially tapped out.

I think tonight will consist of eating supper on the couch watching something that requires limited brain cells. That will be followed by snuggles with my most beautiful girl in the world. Then sleep. Sweet and precious sleep. I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. I pushed it to the limit. One more minute and there would have been no makeup and maybe I’d still be in my pajamas. I’ve got that tired nausea thing going on. Worst feeling.

BUT. Tomorrow is a new day. I shall seize it and hang on for dear life because life is dear.

AND. The day after is dancing. How my feet love to dance. Mind, body and most importantly soul will benefit greatly from the music and the company of my dear girlfriends.

Life is good. It really is.

Grateful

I am grateful for:

• the wonderful people I have in my life
• my enemies
• my fur babies
• the food I have to nourish my body
• the clean air I breath
• the sunshine on my face
• the rain that makes everything green and fresh
• the home I have to protect me and my family from the elements
• the opportunity to earn money so my family can be comfortable
• the opportunity to earn extra money so I can give to those who are in need
• the taste of my morning coffee
• free healthcare
• the freedom to pray
• mobility so I can dance and run and exercise
• my dreams
• the connection I have to the past...the experiences that have blessed my life
• the hard times and the lessons I have learned
• the losses I have experienced
• the ability to love more, forgive more, care more
• angels, in heaven and on earth

If we are not grateful for what we have, what makes us think we would appreciate it if we were given more?

Live for today.

Love large.

Be kind.

Care deeply.

SAY THANK YOU for everything.

Medium

I'm not talking size here.

I went to the most amazing medium this past Thursday. I've gone for angel readings and it has given me a lot insight. This was different. This person channeled my Grandmother. I am certain he did because he knew details that were so specific, there is no way he could ever had been tipped off by anyone.

It was a beautiful thing. To know she is always with me. To have confirmation that her soul in out there...that she is content and happy. She is at peace (her passing was not peaceful).

I believe in divine beings, angels, heaven...all that stuff. I always have. My awareness has been heightened since I began my Reiki journey but this...this experience was something else.

I have a more solid plan for things.I have clarity. I was just doubting myself on a few things. The worst thing you can do is doubt yourself. The questions I've been teetering on...should I....shouldn't I...I now know. What an amazing feeling. :)

The losses I have experienced, I now have peace. I know my Gram holds my losses in her arms. She sings to them. They share my love of art. They love to laugh like I do. They come to me as dragonflies. She sends them to me; just so I know. :)

Life is good. Even with all the loss of the last seven days, I still feel life is a wonderful gift. I never ask why because I have faith in the plan. I have peace in my heart.

My Nan Died

This post is just going to be off the cuff. Bear with me.

Emotions.

Well, I haven't cried yet.

I'm not quite certain why.

Maybe it's because my Nan and I weren't super close (As it was pointed out again today, I was never the favourite... I don't recall asking to be the favourite and not sure why that needed to be pointed out. I guess when people are in pain they feel that everyone should feel the same pain or own some of theirs so it gets projected that way). Anyway...

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't want to live in a world of regrets. That negative air space just fills up your mind and your heart so you can't feel any of the good. I want to feel the good.

I'm going to speak at my Nan's funeral. I was asked to read a verse...kind of the eulogy. I feel honoured to do that. It will be closure on a time that has been filled with mixed emotions. Not just the five days from her passing to the funeral but closure on the book of her life and and closure on a chapter in my book of life.

Today I just want to be a unicorn...