Back again!

I'm one who firmly believes we meet the people we need to meet when we need to meet them and we do what we need to do when we need to do it. HAHA

So here I am, back again with the writing. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how long it'll last, I have a busy family and a new business (go Plexus!!) but I'm feeling I have something to say...when do I not have something to say?!!! ;)

So this story, my story, a part of my story, from 2009 has been coming back at me for the last little while. And yes, if you're new here, you'll see I write how I talk and with no editing. Sorry if that's not your dealio, that's just how I roll. Anyway, 2009 was a ridiculous time for me. A couple years as a single mama, new day job, joined the Reserves, finalizing the big "D". Lots on the go. So what better thing to do than go for a stroll with your bestie. Air out my brain.

This is where I play the whole afternoon in slow motion. I think I even remember what I was wearing. I know I didn't have my cell phone. I wanted to be disconnected for a bit, at least the hour I was out at lunch for the walk.

Gorgeous fall day. Walking bridge was packed. J and I walked to the other side and were just about back when I saw her...my height, a little thinner, hair past her shoulders...a little messy, fists clenched, eyes focused and pained. I close my eyes right now and I see her perfectly...

She walked past and a sense of panic washed over me. Not my panic, her panic. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked back, she was getting further away from us. Her pace was steady and determined. I muttered under my breath to my walking partner that something bad was going to happen. I took one step and turned...she was climbing over the railing...

I screamed, "She's going to fucking jump!!" as I sprinted to her. She was descending the other side of the railing. I dove onto the deck of the bridge and thrust my hands through the railings as she got set to drop the other leg off the bridge support on the other side. I grabbed both her wrists, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!!!!!!!!!!!" Nothing else existed in that moment except her and I. My face smushed against the railing, her just below me with the wind tousling her hair, the water her background.

"I don't want to be here anymore." "No one cares if I'm here or not." A tiny voice with no a bit of life left in it.

"I care if you're here. I care!!" "Please come back over to me, please."

We looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like forever. In the meantime, I was starting to sense life around me again. J was hustling people, trying to get them to let her borrow their cell phone. She told me after everyone was so reluctant to give up their damn cell phone for two seconds. They seemed oblivious to the fact that someone was laying on the walking bridge deck holding the wrists of a person hanging off the bridge. No biggie right?... That day taught me much about people.........

She then decided to join me on the other side. She agreed that I would call the shots, I would always have one hand on a wrist at all times as she climbed back over the railing. So one by one I stuck a hand through each railing until she reached the top and then I pretty much just pulled her to the deck of the bridge.

We sat face-to-face in silence, just looking at each other. I noted her wrists. They were red. I apologized if I had hurt her but I didn't want to risk her slipping away from me so yup, I held them pretty tight.

So the two of us sitting cross-legged, face-to-face, me holding onto her at the kneees and only one person asked us if we were okay. I murmured a yes and J said help was coming.

I asked her why, why was she doing this? She said she was tired. They couldn't get her medication straight, she felt her skin was crawling all the time. She said she had forgotten what it felt like to be healthy and she was just so tired. I told her I understood...not about the meds but being tired. That part I knew very well. A story for a another time but let's just say there were times when I laid in bed with the hopes I would sleep for eternity. Sometimes life just gets to be too much....

The police came. She had been reported missing from the assisted living home she was in. Wasn't the first time they said. That broke my heart a bit more, if that was even possible. She was looking to escape, not just her housing situation but the life that was tormenting her.

We exchanged names. I mumbled what happened to the police. I was more interested in how they would treat her. As she walked away with them, as she crested the little knoll of the bridge she turned to me and mouthed "thank you." I waved a weak wave and forced a smile. The police officer asked me if I needed anything, to talk to anyone. I told him I'd be fine. They all left.

J and I stood there for a minute. We were trying to process what just happened. I told her I felt like puking. The adrenaline was draining from my body and I was feeling the crash.

We walked back to my office building and I went to my new boss, had one week on the job. I just walked into her office, told her someone just tried to jump off the bridge, I was there, I couldn't stay at work, I was leaving, see you tomorrow, blah, blah, blah.

I met J at the pub across the street and quickly downed two Keiths. We recounted what happened and how we couldn't believe just one young woman stopped to see if we were okay. No one did a thing when so blatantly something was seriously wrong!!

We stayed a bit and honestly, I don't know if she drove me home or what took place but I do remember seeing the young lady some time later in the coffee shop. She was sitting. I sat a couple tables away. Our eyes met. She looked good. Better. Like she was now content. We smiled at each other. Every other person in that place totally 100% unaware of our story. I for the first time felt a sense of peace around the situation.

I think of her often. Clearly as I write today, all the memories, seven years and four months later are still fresh like it was yesterday. It still makes me tear up to think about it. I feel the tightness in my chest and the lump in my throat. That experience had a profound impact on my life. She'll never know how she saved me that day. Not quite literally because my thoughts of leaving this earth were no more but she set me on a new path. It was shortly after I went for my first Reiki session. Where my intuitive self was released. When I started picking up on symbols and signs from above. When I started to pray to my God and meditate and find my spiritual self. Where I found my passion for helping others, where I committed to educating myself so I could help others.

It is a constant journey. I have lots of stories to tell. I used to think each event was because I had shitty luck. I soon realized this was the path that was set for me before I was even conceived. It was to help me be a better servant to those who needed me. It was up to me to hold tight to the lessons and to be open with sharing so that I could help others, like she helped me that day.

The next chapter in my story is being written. I'm very excited at the prospect. Life is so good.

Nine months

It's been a long time since I've been here. Wowzers! Nine months. Lots has happened...graduated from a program at a local university, baby boy is just over six months old, got hitched, getting ready to sell my place and move. It's a lot.

So the first thing. The course at university. It was really nice to be back to learning. It's an adult learner environment but a learning environment just the same. I've missed that. I've missed homework and working on group projects. Weird, I know. :)

Baby boy. Where to start? He's precious. He has an amazing big sister. He's helping me to discover all kinds of things...like how precious life is. How every little thing is fascinating. How quickly they grow. How loving a little person can be before they can even speak. How bad their poop stinks. How they have growth spurts and wake up a lot at night. That their giggles melt your heart. That I wasn't going to break his little boy part just drying him after a bath. Yah, the list could go on and on. I have to say it's been a bit of a challenge. I'm not a spring chick anymore. Things are much different now that I'm forty and had a baby. The whole medical system treats you like you've got some rare disease. I mean it's great they're cautious but wow, I paid for someone to go to university with my parking fees at the hospital. I'm suffering a little on the endurance side (AKA lack of sleep) but I've got a shit ton more patience. I can't wait to learn more about his personality and go through all the milestones again, nine years after my first go round.

Got hitched. Hummmmm. My idea oddly enough. Honestly didn't think it's something I would do again. It was small and quick and pretty close to perfect. Lots of people thought we did it because we had the baby (that they also presumed was unplanned because I'm old). Anyway, baby very much planned and married because we felt like it.

Moving. Hopefully. Just have to sell the place first. Hubby got posted. Not far but far enough that the drive it just too much. Not practical. So the house I bought myself, almost seven years ago when life was crazy and ridiculous, I will hopefully sell so I can move on with the next chapter of this crazy little thing called life.

Reduced Activity

So that's what I'm on. Almost 27 weeks pregnant and the door on the nest isn't cooperating; AKA my cervix is shortening prematurely. I'm still in the safe zone but have to take it easy. I definitely have faith that all will be okay but I still worry a little. It's a lot of responsibility in carrying the bird in the first place but now to have the cards slightly stacked against us...

A post I saw recently about the loss of a babe...

I saw a post on FB recently about miscarriage and essentially it said it didn't matter if a Mom carried their child a few weeks or to term; the loss of a baby is hard, damn hard.  And it's true...

Is Reiki a religion?

Or I'll get asked, "What religion is Reiki." Reiki isn't about religion. For me, it's about spirituality. I am a very spiritual person. I was raised Anglican so I certainly have my belief system. When I pray before and after a Reiki session or during meditation (or anytime for that matter, I pray all the time), I pray to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. That doesn't mean when I pray before and after a session I am imposing my spirituality onto you. I'm praying for me to be able to channel loving healing to you. You can be spiritual, religious, have no particular beliefs. Reiki is simply about love.

Names

Oh my gosh!! Who knew it would be so hard to think of a baby name?!! We have a list that we've been adding to. Some are like, "OMG, no!" LOL Some are possibilities. Some were possibilities and then I come home one day and say "OMG no!" Some are popular, trendy names. Some are family names. Some are totally out there names (thanks to DH and his love of vikings and fantasy stuff).

I'm sure when the day comes, we'll have the perfect name. It really is true that once you see them, you just know (well based on my previous experience). I know we have 4ish more months to ponder this. I know we have no plans of telling anyone the name until he's born. BUT, I'd really like to have some idea so I can get used to it (so I can change it the day we bring him home). ;)

Totally open to suggestions. Nothing too wild and crazy but boy...and it is a boy...could really use some help. :)

So was this planned?

I have to say I get a little irritated with this question. One, who cares if it wasn't (it was). Two, what business is it of yours? Three, does it make the little life growing inside me any less of a blessing?

How Great Thou Art

This song has been stuck in my mind for days. Probably because I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Easter was coming and that makes me think of my Grandparents. They had such a huge impact on my faith and spiritual upbringing. I wouldn't say I'm a religious person but I am certainly spiritual. I believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and have no issue with asking people to pray for me or a family member or a situation, etc. I hugely believe in the power of prayer and positive vibes. I have personally witnessed the great things that come out of prayer. Through my Reiki practice I have been part of some pretty wonderful things. So today, I'm enjoying the odd piece of chocolate but even more so, I'm thinking, HOW GREAT THOU ART.

Happy Easter.

Happy to be Back

Baby Boy saying HI!

Funny how I ebb and flow into and out of this writing thing. Sometimes it fills my cup and sometimes it doesn't. I feel that maybe it's missing lately. I tend to get the urge to write when I have something big going on. I certainly have something big going on now!!

Cumulative disappointment

I've just had a whirl of things going on and I haven't been writing like I should. I say I should because it helps me to keep my mind clear.

What popped in my brain today as I was driving? Cumulative disappointment. Small things that on their own are really no big deal but as a whole they just make you say, "ah shit", shake your head and sulk away.

People.

They are the source of my cumulative disappointment today.

Reliability & Authenticity

I've got two things on my mind today...actually have been on my mind for a while but today seems like the day to get it out there.

Icing on the cake (7)

Another investment. Pretty pictures. That's right. Taken three days after my 39th birthday. I'm going to look at these and smile when I'm eighty. hahaha

I'm so freakin' excited

It usually takes a bit to excite me now that I'm in my zen state. hahaha But I've found something.

Outside matching the inside (6)

Reiki level one and level two. Insights. Meditation. Cards. Reading. Stories. Enlightenment. Prayer. Closer connection to earth (yes, the grass beneath my feet and the sky above me connection). Eating better. Cutting out wheat (I'm a "wheat-avoider" I guess). Gratitude. Appreciation. LOVE.

Kind of brings me to now... (5)

And here I sit today.

It's been almost four years...

Single lady!! (4)

That I was! For over two years. Best thing I ever did. I STRONGLY recommend to the single gals out there who are fretting about finding their partner....heck with that!! Find yourself first. Date all over the place (I said date, a girl still needs to respect herself). Travel. Have the time of your life. Meet all kinds of people. Go way outside the box. Date guys you never thought you would ever consider. Guys, do the same...well, date girls...or hell, date guys...whatever floats your boat. But have FUN.

And here we go (3)

I got my poo together. Imagine!!!! Got my own place (after selling my nice car and my snowmobile). Gone were any sort of luxuries. But that's okay because I was in a nice apartment below the sweetest old couple. I started seeing a life coach and a really nice guy. Things were looking up.

Light came after the dark but not for long (2)

Things worked their way out after my friend passed. Life went on as per usual. He was never forgotten but well, the day-to-day had to happen. Fast forward seven or so years. Committed relationship. Big mistake. There were expectations. It would get better. Right?... Things would work out.

Where to start with this crazy life... (1)

I think it most pertinent to start with 24 years ago. When my best friend died at 15 years old. It was sudden. It was bad. I was very angry at the person who hit him. I was angry he was gone. I was angry life seemed to be such a mess after that.

All of us. Our whole group changed. We were no longer invincible. Someone very important to the group was missing. We all delved a little further into the partying. A little further into our "don't give a f*ck" ways. Skipped a little bit of school. Got in trouble with the parents. Had nights where I really wished I wouldn't rise to see the next day. It was a pretty low time.

In the "raw"

I've had people ask me about what I post here...how it's so "personal." Ummmm. I guess I don't think it's that personal as I'm a pretty open person. I say it like it is and I appreciate that back. As well, probably the biggest thing, I know from writing in this medium for the last six years, people appreciate when you are authentic. When my life was going down the shitter and my ex-husband and I were not doing well, I used to write in this sort of space. I connected with many women who thanked me for my honesty. They said it helped them to know someone was sharing what they were feeling; to know they weren't alone. I've come to be friends with a few of the women. :) Some don't even live in this country but we shared something universal...a broken soul.

Blogs have been a healing space for me. Kind of like now. It's still a healing space. Only this time I'm closer to the top of the mountain. I'm not crawling up from below the bottom (yes, that's possible...to be that low). I communicate my thoughts here as my own little therapy but also in hopes that something will strike a chord with someone so that they can feel they aren't alone, feel stronger, feel more confident, feel more alive. :)

Over the next few posts I'm going to write about where I was (briefly) to getting to where I am today. Nothing earth-shattering but sometimes it's good to look at where you were to see how far you've come to paint the path on where you're going. :)

XO