Whole

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Pondering the question of what makes us whole. What fills us up. What makes us feel happy, and healthy (on the inside) and complete. As I know full well, it is not what others bring to us that fills us up. It's what we do for ourselves.

We are our own worst enemies. We get in situations...relationships...where the person we are with is not good for us. They are so unhappy with themselves they can't wait to say or do something to make us unhappy. They're poison. Yet, for a myriad of reasons we feel that we have to stay with them. We feel like we can't do it on our own. We can't do better than what we have and we should just suck it up and be happy. SO NOT TRUE!

After ten years in a relationship. World by the ass. I walked away. I was so the opposite of whole I don't even know what you would call it. I went from Ma & Pa's house to buying a house with this guy. My world revolved around this person. And it was supposed to right? He made me "happy". Snowmobiling every weekend. Trips. Nice new car. New Truck. New house. Never wanting for anything. But I was totally and completely...empty.

When you see that commercial on TV about depression and how it physically hurts, that was me. I was physically becoming ill. The relationship was poison. I don't think he ever meant to make it that way intentionally but he was a very unhappy person. All the good we had and he still complained. The world was still a terrible place in his eyes. He sucked the life out of me.

So on a Wednesday. The only day it rained that week, I moved out. I called in sick. My brother came with the rented van, my best friend with her van and I left. One of the hardest days of my life. I left the only life I had ever known and I was scared. I knew my income would be considerably less. I knew I needed to find a place to live. It was tough for a while. Lived at home for a bit. Couch surfed for a while. Kind of lived out of the trunk of my car...until I had to sell it. Got an old shit box to take me from A to B. Roomed with an idiot for a couple months. Wallowed in my "poor me" self. Then the light came on.

I am worth so much more than this and I can do it!!!

Got myself a little place in the basement of the kindest people I have ever met. Fixed up my shit box. Got some food on the table. Got active. Went to see a life coach. Got my crap together. So I thought...

Fast forward to 7 September 2008. Husband left. I had a baby girl at home. Had to find a place to live. Repeat of the past shit storm.

Fast, fast forward to today, 3 February 2013. I am the happiest I have ever been. I know...vomit! HAHAHA But really, I am. It's not because of my family (even my girl) or my BF, or my family, or my friends, or my job, or the lifestyle I am blessed to have...it's because for once in my life, I am damn near 100% whole. With that comes happiness. With that comes rejoicing in my blessings. It allows me to love deeply. Appreciate. Truly care with my whole heart. Be compassionate. Be kind. Forgive.

How did I get here? I thought of me for once in my life. I focused on making myself happy. For each person, happy is different. At the end of the day, so long as you have that feeling, you are there. :)

Now I'll be realistic. Not everyday is unicorns and cotton candy. That's a meth high, not life. But the matter in which I deal with the shit is completely different. I have a completely different mindset. I am accepting of the things I can't change and I move on. Move on. Move on. Move on. Did you get that?! LOL There is nothing so bad that you can't forgive. That sounds whacked but trust me, please just trust me, when you forgive and file those bad experiences/words in the back of your brain, you will be lighter. It's quite something really. I have the world FORGIVE tattooed on my wrist and I look at it everyday, to remind me of where I've been and what I have worked through with the help of people who truly love me and I know I am blessed. I am ready for the new day because each morning I get up and I'm sucking air, I need to make the most of it because it is the first day of the rest of my life. 

Do all you can do to contribute to making yourself whole. You and the entire world around you will benefit.

Love yourself. XO