Where to start with this crazy life... (1)

I think it most pertinent to start with 24 years ago. When my best friend died at 15 years old. It was sudden. It was bad. I was very angry at the person who hit him. I was angry he was gone. I was angry life seemed to be such a mess after that.

All of us. Our whole group changed. We were no longer invincible. Someone very important to the group was missing. We all delved a little further into the partying. A little further into our "don't give a f*ck" ways. Skipped a little bit of school. Got in trouble with the parents. Had nights where I really wished I wouldn't rise to see the next day. It was a pretty low time.

In the "raw"

I've had people ask me about what I post here...how it's so "personal." Ummmm. I guess I don't think it's that personal as I'm a pretty open person. I say it like it is and I appreciate that back. As well, probably the biggest thing, I know from writing in this medium for the last six years, people appreciate when you are authentic. When my life was going down the shitter and my ex-husband and I were not doing well, I used to write in this sort of space. I connected with many women who thanked me for my honesty. They said it helped them to know someone was sharing what they were feeling; to know they weren't alone. I've come to be friends with a few of the women. :) Some don't even live in this country but we shared something universal...a broken soul.

Blogs have been a healing space for me. Kind of like now. It's still a healing space. Only this time I'm closer to the top of the mountain. I'm not crawling up from below the bottom (yes, that's possible...to be that low). I communicate my thoughts here as my own little therapy but also in hopes that something will strike a chord with someone so that they can feel they aren't alone, feel stronger, feel more confident, feel more alive. :)

Over the next few posts I'm going to write about where I was (briefly) to getting to where I am today. Nothing earth-shattering but sometimes it's good to look at where you were to see how far you've come to paint the path on where you're going. :)

XO

Beautiful connections

On Saturday I offered an exchange; a one hour Reiki healing session for gratitude. :)

I have to say, it was an exhausting day. 9-3:30 but it was so worth it. It's crazy, when you open yourself up, the beautiful connections you can make. I had one client, their energy was so beautiful. That's the only word I can use to describe it. They're a beautiful person anyway but their energy was incredible. As their channel I felt such peace. I felt happy. I may have been smiling too. :) We ended up connecting so nicely. Made my heart happy. :)

Rewrite

I wrote a couple posts here tonight and deleted them. They were things that were on my mind but not necessarily of any value. In doing this, it made me realize I need to get in the moment. Stop the whizzing of thoughts. Stop jiggling my feet. Quiet myself.

So, I'm rewriting this post. With words. My words. What's in my mind at this very moment. Sometimes you need to do that. You need to stop. Everything. Pause in the moment and be aware of the sounds you hear. The thoughts in your mind. How your body feels.

Drama

Oh this is a warm topic for me. I really prefer to be as drama-free as possible. I bitch about things once in a while but drama....no thanks.

Some people THRIVE on it, thrive. I don't think they know how to live a peaceful life. Even if there is a situation that isn't dramatic, they spin it until it's all bananas and BS.

So, I've been asking myself why? Why do people love drama? More importantly, why do they create it where it doesn't exist?

My conclusion.

It's their comfort zone. Crazy as that sounds. I think they are scared of the answer to...

"What if I had a peaceful mind?"
"What if so-in-so didn't mean anything by that comment?"
"What if I they didn't mean anything by those actions?"
"What if their words were genuine?"
"What if their smile was sincere?"

Those are scary questions when you are so used to chaos and turmoil in your world. If that is all you know, anything else, even if it's better is stressful.

The answers to those "what-ifs" may be; it means the person loves me, it means the person respects me, it means the person in genuine in their kind words about me, it means that the person has forgiven me...

When you feel you don't have worth, it is near impossible to feel that anyone sincerely means it when they compliment you, engage you in conversation, say they love you, ask your opinion and value it...

It's easier to have the "drama wall" up. Not let anyone in. Play the victim. Wait out the storm...actually make the storm to distract others away from you.

When you respect and love yourself, you attract people who respect and love you...for who you are...the real you.

There is no better feeling than surrounding yourself with like-minded people (AKA, people who love themselves). Everyone is happier, more positive, more productive, better friends, better Moms, better Dads, better bosses, better employees, better neighbours, enjoy better health, better sleep, a better self-image, a love of nature, peace, a caring heart (not that drama people don't have a caring heart, it just shines through better when you have a smile on your face and a positive attitude).

See a pattern here? ; ) BETTER!

So, how to be drama free? Start by consciously seeing the good in every situation. There is always good. Always. Then appreciate the good. No matter how small, appreciate it. Then embrace the good. Then share it. <3

XO

Loss of a little being. Dragonfly. Peace. Healing.

I was going through some paperwork the other night, cleaning, when I came across my central scheduling appointment for my blood work and ultrasound. This was for the babe that would have been born in September 2008.

Would have been.

The pregnancy ended fairly early on but late enough that there was no denying it's being...arm and leg buds, little eyes, a spine...

I was devastated. I didn't speak of it really. My marriage ended that month as well so really, life was all kind of fucked up.

A year later I went to see a beautiful channel. The first thing I asked her was about this loss. Her words rush through my head every time I feel the sadness that comes with a loss like this... 'She chose you and your physical earth body as a temporary resting place. She was not meant to stay here. She was your gift. You need to honour that instead of mourn. You need to be proud that you were chosen to be her mother on this earth. She knows you love her. Take comfort in this child.'

And comfort I did take. A lot of tears were shed during that session. Many more have come over the years. I think about how old she would have been now. What it would be like for my girlie to have a sister. What the holidays would be like with a little being here in the house. This is human nature I think. The difference, I see the positive and I am grateful. So very grateful that I had that little being in my body. That I could be her loving resting place even if just for a short while. And I know she is with me. She is one of my angels. She comes to me regularly as a dragonfly. <3 She appears when I least expect her, just so I know I am never alone. People can think this is "out there". I'm okay with that. :) 

I have a dragonfly tattoo on my right arm. The flowers are for September, the month she would have been born.

I had a reading last month. My Grandmother came through loud and clear. My baby girl is with her. <3 Though my heart still aches, I am at peace. I have this peace because I have opened my mind and my soul. Gratitude, thanksgiving, positive vibes, energy healing.

Healing.

XO

Peace in my heart

I spoke about completing my Level Two Reiki here. I was heading on to my next adventure with it. Branching out. Taking the step to share with others. I've done it!! I have my page on Facebook. It's the best place to start I think. I've had so many personal messages about it and can't wait to be a channel for folks who desire a peace in their heart. I know it has certainly brought a peace to my heart.

When my Nan passed away the thing that got me through; Reiki, meditation, a positive attitude, my faith, peace in my heart.

When there was a betrayal in trust in an important relationship the thing that got me through; Reiki, meditation, a positive attitude, my faith, peace in my heart.

Going to a funeral on Tuesday, a wake on Wednesday and having my Nan pass away on Thursday the thing that got me through; Reiki, meditation, a positive attitude, my faith, peace in my heart.

These things are all connected. The Reiki has allowed me to calm my mind enough to meditate, which has allowed me to have a more positive attitude, which has strengthened my faith, which has brought peace in my heart.

Positive affirmations:

I choose the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I am love, I am peace, I am light.

XO