Cumulative disappointment

I've just had a whirl of things going on and I haven't been writing like I should. I say I should because it helps me to keep my mind clear.

What popped in my brain today as I was driving? Cumulative disappointment. Small things that on their own are really no big deal but as a whole they just make you say, "ah shit", shake your head and sulk away.

People.

They are the source of my cumulative disappointment today.

Reliability & Authenticity

I've got two things on my mind today...actually have been on my mind for a while but today seems like the day to get it out there.

Icing on the cake (7)

Another investment. Pretty pictures. That's right. Taken three days after my 39th birthday. I'm going to look at these and smile when I'm eighty. hahaha

I'm so freakin' excited

It usually takes a bit to excite me now that I'm in my zen state. hahaha But I've found something.

Outside matching the inside (6)

Reiki level one and level two. Insights. Meditation. Cards. Reading. Stories. Enlightenment. Prayer. Closer connection to earth (yes, the grass beneath my feet and the sky above me connection). Eating better. Cutting out wheat (I'm a "wheat-avoider" I guess). Gratitude. Appreciation. LOVE.

Kind of brings me to now... (5)

And here I sit today.

It's been almost four years...

Single lady!! (4)

That I was! For over two years. Best thing I ever did. I STRONGLY recommend to the single gals out there who are fretting about finding their partner....heck with that!! Find yourself first. Date all over the place (I said date, a girl still needs to respect herself). Travel. Have the time of your life. Meet all kinds of people. Go way outside the box. Date guys you never thought you would ever consider. Guys, do the same...well, date girls...or hell, date guys...whatever floats your boat. But have FUN.

And here we go (3)

I got my poo together. Imagine!!!! Got my own place (after selling my nice car and my snowmobile). Gone were any sort of luxuries. But that's okay because I was in a nice apartment below the sweetest old couple. I started seeing a life coach and a really nice guy. Things were looking up.

Light came after the dark but not for long (2)

Things worked their way out after my friend passed. Life went on as per usual. He was never forgotten but well, the day-to-day had to happen. Fast forward seven or so years. Committed relationship. Big mistake. There were expectations. It would get better. Right?... Things would work out.

Where to start with this crazy life... (1)

I think it most pertinent to start with 24 years ago. When my best friend died at 15 years old. It was sudden. It was bad. I was very angry at the person who hit him. I was angry he was gone. I was angry life seemed to be such a mess after that.

All of us. Our whole group changed. We were no longer invincible. Someone very important to the group was missing. We all delved a little further into the partying. A little further into our "don't give a f*ck" ways. Skipped a little bit of school. Got in trouble with the parents. Had nights where I really wished I wouldn't rise to see the next day. It was a pretty low time.

In the "raw"

I've had people ask me about what I post here...how it's so "personal." Ummmm. I guess I don't think it's that personal as I'm a pretty open person. I say it like it is and I appreciate that back. As well, probably the biggest thing, I know from writing in this medium for the last six years, people appreciate when you are authentic. When my life was going down the shitter and my ex-husband and I were not doing well, I used to write in this sort of space. I connected with many women who thanked me for my honesty. They said it helped them to know someone was sharing what they were feeling; to know they weren't alone. I've come to be friends with a few of the women. :) Some don't even live in this country but we shared something universal...a broken soul.

Blogs have been a healing space for me. Kind of like now. It's still a healing space. Only this time I'm closer to the top of the mountain. I'm not crawling up from below the bottom (yes, that's possible...to be that low). I communicate my thoughts here as my own little therapy but also in hopes that something will strike a chord with someone so that they can feel they aren't alone, feel stronger, feel more confident, feel more alive. :)

Over the next few posts I'm going to write about where I was (briefly) to getting to where I am today. Nothing earth-shattering but sometimes it's good to look at where you were to see how far you've come to paint the path on where you're going. :)

XO

Beautiful connections

On Saturday I offered an exchange; a one hour Reiki healing session for gratitude. :)

I have to say, it was an exhausting day. 9-3:30 but it was so worth it. It's crazy, when you open yourself up, the beautiful connections you can make. I had one client, their energy was so beautiful. That's the only word I can use to describe it. They're a beautiful person anyway but their energy was incredible. As their channel I felt such peace. I felt happy. I may have been smiling too. :) We ended up connecting so nicely. Made my heart happy. :)

Rewrite

I wrote a couple posts here tonight and deleted them. They were things that were on my mind but not necessarily of any value. In doing this, it made me realize I need to get in the moment. Stop the whizzing of thoughts. Stop jiggling my feet. Quiet myself.

So, I'm rewriting this post. With words. My words. What's in my mind at this very moment. Sometimes you need to do that. You need to stop. Everything. Pause in the moment and be aware of the sounds you hear. The thoughts in your mind. How your body feels.

Drama

Oh this is a warm topic for me. I really prefer to be as drama-free as possible. I bitch about things once in a while but drama....no thanks.

Some people THRIVE on it, thrive. I don't think they know how to live a peaceful life. Even if there is a situation that isn't dramatic, they spin it until it's all bananas and BS.

So, I've been asking myself why? Why do people love drama? More importantly, why do they create it where it doesn't exist?

My conclusion.

It's their comfort zone. Crazy as that sounds. I think they are scared of the answer to...

"What if I had a peaceful mind?"
"What if so-in-so didn't mean anything by that comment?"
"What if I they didn't mean anything by those actions?"
"What if their words were genuine?"
"What if their smile was sincere?"

Those are scary questions when you are so used to chaos and turmoil in your world. If that is all you know, anything else, even if it's better is stressful.

The answers to those "what-ifs" may be; it means the person loves me, it means the person respects me, it means the person in genuine in their kind words about me, it means that the person has forgiven me...

When you feel you don't have worth, it is near impossible to feel that anyone sincerely means it when they compliment you, engage you in conversation, say they love you, ask your opinion and value it...

It's easier to have the "drama wall" up. Not let anyone in. Play the victim. Wait out the storm...actually make the storm to distract others away from you.

When you respect and love yourself, you attract people who respect and love you...for who you are...the real you.

There is no better feeling than surrounding yourself with like-minded people (AKA, people who love themselves). Everyone is happier, more positive, more productive, better friends, better Moms, better Dads, better bosses, better employees, better neighbours, enjoy better health, better sleep, a better self-image, a love of nature, peace, a caring heart (not that drama people don't have a caring heart, it just shines through better when you have a smile on your face and a positive attitude).

See a pattern here? ; ) BETTER!

So, how to be drama free? Start by consciously seeing the good in every situation. There is always good. Always. Then appreciate the good. No matter how small, appreciate it. Then embrace the good. Then share it. <3

XO

Loss of a little being. Dragonfly. Peace. Healing.

I was going through some paperwork the other night, cleaning, when I came across my central scheduling appointment for my blood work and ultrasound. This was for the babe that would have been born in September 2008.

Would have been.

The pregnancy ended fairly early on but late enough that there was no denying it's being...arm and leg buds, little eyes, a spine...

I was devastated. I didn't speak of it really. My marriage ended that month as well so really, life was all kind of fucked up.

A year later I went to see a beautiful channel. The first thing I asked her was about this loss. Her words rush through my head every time I feel the sadness that comes with a loss like this... 'She chose you and your physical earth body as a temporary resting place. She was not meant to stay here. She was your gift. You need to honour that instead of mourn. You need to be proud that you were chosen to be her mother on this earth. She knows you love her. Take comfort in this child.'

And comfort I did take. A lot of tears were shed during that session. Many more have come over the years. I think about how old she would have been now. What it would be like for my girlie to have a sister. What the holidays would be like with a little being here in the house. This is human nature I think. The difference, I see the positive and I am grateful. So very grateful that I had that little being in my body. That I could be her loving resting place even if just for a short while. And I know she is with me. She is one of my angels. She comes to me regularly as a dragonfly. <3 She appears when I least expect her, just so I know I am never alone. People can think this is "out there". I'm okay with that. :) 

I have a dragonfly tattoo on my right arm. The flowers are for September, the month she would have been born.

I had a reading last month. My Grandmother came through loud and clear. My baby girl is with her. <3 Though my heart still aches, I am at peace. I have this peace because I have opened my mind and my soul. Gratitude, thanksgiving, positive vibes, energy healing.

Healing.

XO

Peace in my heart

I spoke about completing my Level Two Reiki here. I was heading on to my next adventure with it. Branching out. Taking the step to share with others. I've done it!! I have my page on Facebook. It's the best place to start I think. I've had so many personal messages about it and can't wait to be a channel for folks who desire a peace in their heart. I know it has certainly brought a peace to my heart.

When my Nan passed away the thing that got me through; Reiki, meditation, a positive attitude, my faith, peace in my heart.

When there was a betrayal in trust in an important relationship the thing that got me through; Reiki, meditation, a positive attitude, my faith, peace in my heart.

Going to a funeral on Tuesday, a wake on Wednesday and having my Nan pass away on Thursday the thing that got me through; Reiki, meditation, a positive attitude, my faith, peace in my heart.

These things are all connected. The Reiki has allowed me to calm my mind enough to meditate, which has allowed me to have a more positive attitude, which has strengthened my faith, which has brought peace in my heart.

Positive affirmations:

I choose the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I am love, I am peace, I am light.

XO

The title for this is...I couldn't think of a proper title

A couple more days and I’m having my picture taken by a professional photographer. An artist really. Her photographs conjure up a lot of emotion in me. Happiness. A giggle. Teary eyes. That’s why I picked her. :) These were the pictures that were going to take place in June and then I forgot about going to Halifax to run a 5K. How I forgot that, I have no idea. I don’t run. I can ruck 13 Km but no running. Anyway…the photographs… And then I rescheduled again because I invested in a personal trainer for July (and subsequently August) so I thought, “why the heck would I take pics of my body and then spend a crazy amount of time, effort and money on a trainer and not capture THAT body?!!”

So. Wednesday. I’m very excited. Probably almost ridiculously. Changed up the diet. Changed up the exercise routine. Hair. Makeup. Tan. I’ve put a lot into what will be a one hour shoot... Because I’m worth it. I get kind of teary looking at those words right there.

I’m worth it.

Not long ago, that wouldn't have been something I would have said. I mean I had some shitty times when I was younger. Blah. Blah. Blah. That’s all part of growing up. I put the work into making my way to the top of my mountain, was doing well and…down I went. Only part way down but down just the same. I knew full well it was silly to allow myself to feel shitty about myself because of the actions of other. My brain knew it but the connection wasn't making it to my heart.

As I know, I can’t change someone else’s actions but I can change my reaction to their actions. So...investment in personal training. Investment in becoming Reiki level two certified. Body. Mind.

Since doing this, I have done a 180. I don’t even really know the person I was even just a short time ago. I know enough to take my lessons with me. I know enough to know that, back there in time, that is not who I am. This is who I am. I’m a freakin’ awesome Mom who loves her baby girl more than anything in the world. I’m a good daughter who loves and respects her parents. I’m a loyal and caring friend.  I’m a hard worker. I’m dedicated. I have integrity. I’m smart. I’m healthy. I’m happy. I'm grateful. And no, I don't live with perpetual sunshine up my ass. I have shitty days. I get bitchy. I have my moments. That's the key, they are moments. I don't live submersed in the crap anymore. Soooooo not worth wallowing in. Makes you stinky. Who wants to be around a stinky person? ;)

“So who are you doing these pictures for?”

"Me!!" :)

So. The artist. I hope I don't offend her when I call her that.... I have such huge respect for true photographers. I say true because hell, anyone can snap a picture. It takes an artist's eye to really capture a moment. Her name is Kandise Brown. Please check out her work. Whew...it's something else.

Life is good. It really is.

In a bit of a fog today. I think it’s a mix of having very little sleep for essentially a week, not eating enough and not drinking enough water. It’s also because the world continues to buzz around me and I feel like I’m standing still. I’m not in the usual whirl and swirl of “stuff.” I feel a bit like a spectator. And it’s not because people have been insensitive. Very much the opposite. Folks have been absolutely wonderful. Checking in. Saying hi. Giving me big hugs (that’s the best part). I’m a hugger so… I just feel like I’m in slow motion. Everything has finally caught up with me. I am officially tapped out.

I think tonight will consist of eating supper on the couch watching something that requires limited brain cells. That will be followed by snuggles with my most beautiful girl in the world. Then sleep. Sweet and precious sleep. I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. I pushed it to the limit. One more minute and there would have been no makeup and maybe I’d still be in my pajamas. I’ve got that tired nausea thing going on. Worst feeling.

BUT. Tomorrow is a new day. I shall seize it and hang on for dear life because life is dear.

AND. The day after is dancing. How my feet love to dance. Mind, body and most importantly soul will benefit greatly from the music and the company of my dear girlfriends.

Life is good. It really is.

Grateful

I am grateful for:

• the wonderful people I have in my life
• my enemies
• my fur babies
• the food I have to nourish my body
• the clean air I breath
• the sunshine on my face
• the rain that makes everything green and fresh
• the home I have to protect me and my family from the elements
• the opportunity to earn money so my family can be comfortable
• the opportunity to earn extra money so I can give to those who are in need
• the taste of my morning coffee
• free healthcare
• the freedom to pray
• mobility so I can dance and run and exercise
• my dreams
• the connection I have to the past...the experiences that have blessed my life
• the hard times and the lessons I have learned
• the losses I have experienced
• the ability to love more, forgive more, care more
• angels, in heaven and on earth

If we are not grateful for what we have, what makes us think we would appreciate it if we were given more?

Live for today.

Love large.

Be kind.

Care deeply.

SAY THANK YOU for everything.

Medium

I'm not talking size here.

I went to the most amazing medium this past Thursday. I've gone for angel readings and it has given me a lot insight. This was different. This person channeled my Grandmother. I am certain he did because he knew details that were so specific, there is no way he could ever had been tipped off by anyone.

It was a beautiful thing. To know she is always with me. To have confirmation that her soul in out there...that she is content and happy. She is at peace (her passing was not peaceful).

I believe in divine beings, angels, heaven...all that stuff. I always have. My awareness has been heightened since I began my Reiki journey but this...this experience was something else.

I have a more solid plan for things.I have clarity. I was just doubting myself on a few things. The worst thing you can do is doubt yourself. The questions I've been teetering on...should I....shouldn't I...I now know. What an amazing feeling. :)

The losses I have experienced, I now have peace. I know my Gram holds my losses in her arms. She sings to them. They share my love of art. They love to laugh like I do. They come to me as dragonflies. She sends them to me; just so I know. :)

Life is good. Even with all the loss of the last seven days, I still feel life is a wonderful gift. I never ask why because I have faith in the plan. I have peace in my heart.

My Nan Died

This post is just going to be off the cuff. Bear with me.

Emotions.

Well, I haven't cried yet.

I'm not quite certain why.

Maybe it's because my Nan and I weren't super close (As it was pointed out again today, I was never the favourite... I don't recall asking to be the favourite and not sure why that needed to be pointed out. I guess when people are in pain they feel that everyone should feel the same pain or own some of theirs so it gets projected that way). Anyway...

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't want to live in a world of regrets. That negative air space just fills up your mind and your heart so you can't feel any of the good. I want to feel the good.

I'm going to speak at my Nan's funeral. I was asked to read a verse...kind of the eulogy. I feel honoured to do that. It will be closure on a time that has been filled with mixed emotions. Not just the five days from her passing to the funeral but closure on the book of her life and and closure on a chapter in my book of life.

Today I just want to be a unicorn...

Family, friends, rum & coke, smokes, full belly laughs

Yesterday I went to one of the best funerals ever. I know, weird thing to say.

The congregation was there to celebrate a man who laughed from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He loved music, his camp, a good rum and coke and his smokes. More than that, he loved his family and friends. He loved his community and served it very well. He had a huge heart and he touched many lives with his goodness.

There was a slide show with completely appropriate music for him. There were laughs as people watched the pictures go by on the big screen. Pictures of a man living life to the ultimate fullest.

There was a jam session. Yes, in the church a young man played guitar, stomped his foot and sang a compilation of old tunes. The whole congregation was singing. I could almost feel Pete smiling from above, loving every minute of it. It was so touching. A packed church, all connected for a time by music and sweet memories of a great man.

There were stories. More laughs. A few tears. The minister was so down to earth. His “sermon” didn’t preach. He engaged the folks there. He was real and he portrayed the life of the person who passed so eloquently.

Many things were reinforced for me yesterday.

• Love life with your whole heart and soul.
• Be good and kind to others.
• Sit at the table with your enemy, kick his butt at cards but share your bottle of rum.
• Laugh until your whole body shakes and then laugh some more.
• Drop in to see people. Don’t call first. Pop in and say hi. You don’t have to stay long, just stop in to show you care.
• Leave a legacy of kindness in your wake.
• Cherish every second you have on this earth.
• Serve your family, friends and community well.

 The world lost a great person last Thursday. The other side acquired a beautiful spirit.

So yesterday a celebration of a life taken too soon by cancer. Tonight, a celebration of life taken too soon by tragedy. In a couple days, a life taken too soon by illness. A lot of loss lately. Much time to reflect. We really don’t get a second chance. We have one life to live and we have to make it good. 

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I have these words on my bedroom wall. I look at them every morning when I wake up. I have never been more determined to live in the now and it live it large with family and friends, maybe the odd rum and coke and lots more full belly laughs.

Rest in Peace Pete.

XO

Pushed through

I didn't want to go to the gym today. I mean I did but I didn't. I really kind of wanted to stay in bed to be honest. Yesterday's post kind of sums up the last few days...

I always see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still saw the light today but it wasn't as bright. It seemed really far away. It's just been one of those days.

But I got there. My dear friend was coming along for an assessment so even if I really didn't want to go, I wanted to get her there so she was my blessing today. (As she is everyday). :)

I tried my best to be in a good frame of mind. I really have to concentrate on leg day. I have to be 100% in the game because it's the day I struggle with most. I took all my emotions and I gave it. I squatted my best weight ever (thanks to a fantastic trainer who pushes me and encourages the hell out of me). I was walking it off and I felt the build. The tears coming. They stayed put but they were there. Right on the edge. I pushed through.

Lesson of the day for me...people go through some wicked difficult struggles every day. The key. Stay strong. Believe in yourself. Surround yourself with good people. Be gentle with yourself. Push through. Tomorrow is a new day.

Brought to it. Get through it.

It's been a rough few days.

A long time family friend passed away. He had cancer. Was in remission. It came back. They gave him four or so weeks to live. He died the next day. Thursday.

Friday. An accident. Have digested this one but still...not so much. A young man. A brilliant photographer. A glowing personality. Shy but funny. Extremely helpful and thoughtful...

Two things. I have experience, unfortunately, with loss. I understand the grieving process all too well. AND. I have faith. I have faith that if we are brought to something, something difficult. A loss. We can get through it. We will get through it. We need to be gentle with ourselves. Feel the feelings and trust that it will get better.

Due to various life circumstances over the years, I have been trying to actively be more and more grateful for the people, experiences and things in my life. Not a moment goes by now that I don't say thank you. I get a stretch of green lights on Brunswick and as I safety go under each one, in my mind I say thank you. I make it home safe and sound, I say thank you. Someone holds the door for me and I obviously I say thank you. I read about something good happening to someone good and I say thank you. Every night Jbird and I say our prayers and we give thanks for everything we have, for all our blessings. You know, it makes a big difference in your mindset. Especially at times like these. I feel the pain but am grateful for the time that I had with these people. For their smile. Their big laugh. Their leadership. Their jokes. The people that they were to their family and friends. They will be missed. But we will get through it.

XO

New but old adventure

Reiki.

Level two.

Amazing.

I went to a level one class back in February and I have to say, it changed me life. So cliche, I know, but it's true. I started with self treatment, as you do. Changed my whole attitude on things. This new passion for the positive allowed me to lovingly channel energy for my family and friends with some pretty incredible results.

Level two just a few weeks ago. I know to my core that all the things I've been doing and learning, discovering about myself up to this time were for that moment. The moment of my second attunement. It is the most wonderful and humbling moment when you finally find your purpose.

It makes my heart so happy to know that my touch and speaking with someone has made them feel better. Everyone has the power to heal their own mind, body and soul, sometimes it just needs a little boost. I have been richly blessed and I am so excited to share this with others. When you love yourself...nothing feels any better. You can then share that love with others like you never thought possible.

Onto the next part of my adventure. I've been working hard on how to best share this with others. Informational materials. Working on a website or blog. Business card designs. Research. Research and more research. Stay tuned.

Happy day to you!!!

Power of the positive....

...needs to be stronger than the power of the negative.

I've been thinking about this for a while... What to do with the Negative Nellys in my life. One can only try to influence and sway a person so much and then it's just...blah.

What to do with this? Well, as I have learned, we can only control our reactions to people's behaviour, we can't control the behaviour of other people (nor should we really try). So, with all the will I can muster...I shall positive these people to death. LOL If that doesn't help the matter then, well, difficult decisions need to be made. I have worked too hard to be paddling like a bastard only to have my passengers drilling holes in the back of the ship, letting all the muddy water in.

Onward and upward!!!

23 June 2013

This is going to be one interesting day. I'm having my pictures professionally taken by Kandise Brown (www.kandisebrown.com) and I am super excited. I've been working my butt off since February and I'm ready to show it off...well...to myself. HAHA I want to have something to look back on and be able to say, holy shit, for almost...well...that age, I was a freakin' fox. HAHA

This is what we have in mind...

Here's hoping all those squats have paid off. ;)

Love the one you're with. XO

12 Things Happy People Do Differently

#7 - Learn to forgive...

On me forever. I look at it every day. Changes my view of many situations.

Love the one you're with. XO

What a rush...

...of emotions.

My friend has been posting about Return to Zero. I finally watched the video and read the story. This is the mission statement so it will best tell you what the movie is about...

"While this film is intended for a wide-release to audiences regardless of their life experience, RETURN TO ZERO fills a particular niche for a market that has gone unserved -- those who have or know someone who has experienced the devastating loss of stillbirth, miscarriage, or neonatal death.

The statistics on stillbirth, which is the loss of a child after 20th week of pregnancy, are remarkable. In the U.S. alone there are approximately 36,000 stillbirths a year. That is equivalent to the amount of people who die in traffic accidents across this country every year. Yet, this topic has never been the central theme of a feature film.

The impact that one stillbirth has on the mother, the father, their family, and friends is devastating -- a shock-wave of pain, guilt and then, too often, silence. The majority of those affected, especially the mothers, suffer in this silence often believing that their grief and trauma is theirs to bear alone.

While planning to entertain and enlighten all audiences with a dramatic tale of the strength and resilience of the human spirit, RETURN TO ZERO intends to break through the silence and become a beacon of cinematic light to the millions in search of answers, understanding and healing."

http://returntozerothemovie.com/index.php

There were a words that jumped off the page at me.

Devastating loss.

Impact.

Pain, guilt, and then too often, silence.

Grief and trauma is theirs to bear alone.

Healing.

I could never imagine losing a child after 20 weeks. I just can't...

My loss was at eight weeks. One week after I saw my little bug wiggling around and heard the heart beat. Her heart beat.

I won't get into the details of my loss. I can tell you I was alone. Physically and emotionally. Well, with the exception of a busy two year old running around, oblivious to what Mommy was experiencing. But the Father, he was working and chose to continue to work...I think the thought of all of it falling apart, the relationship and now this, was too much for him. Looking back now, he did the best he could at the time. I forgive him.

I made my way to the hospital. Nanny keeping the little busy one at home. The impact of the situation struck me when the nurse was being flippant with the little bag I had brought in. I yelled at her. Frankly, I lost it. She peered inside. Her facial expression changed. She apologized profusely and I was whisked away.

It's been five years, two months and three days. I still feel the pain. A physical pain. A hurt in my body. I still feel an incredible amount of guilt. It was a stressful time. I felt responsible for not working harder to control my stress levels and all that was going on around me. I know it was nothing to do with me. It was something else. Beyond my control. But the feelings are still there. Part of being a Mom I think.

Alone. Hummmmmm. I'm not sure why we do that to ourselves. Why we don't share more often. I do talk about it more and more. Especially since getting a tattoo in her memory. It's an avenue to start the conversation. I have many friends who have experienced this same loss. I hope that as this movie makes it's way through social media, we will share. There will be less silence.
"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou

I am more than on the road to healing. I have to be. One can't dwell. I certainly think about it a lot. Every day. She represents so much. So much of what was, what could have been, what is now. I have no doubt everything happens for a reason. The time was not right for her. As my medium friend told me on two occasions, my baby girl chose me, she chose me as her temporary dwelling on this earth. It was meant to be for a short time. She was lent to me and I to her. All I could take away from that is...honor...honored to have been her Mom for even just the short while. She was loved from the moment I saw that little "+" sign on the test. She is still loved today even though my arms never held her here in the physical world.

My medium friend also told me she would be with me as a dragonfly. She was with me while I was away in Ontario on training for the summer last year. Dragonflies were showing up in the most unusual places. Following me. One even came into our shacks one night, hovered above my head and then went to my room. Of the ten rooms in the shacks she went there. She was there in the morning to greet me after my shower. She walked onto my hand. I carried her, hand wide open, down six flights of stairs, through the common room and outside. I held my hand to the sky and she flew away... Coincidence, I'd rather say not. I'd rather say she was there visiting me when I needed it the most. When I was away from my little girlie, my family, my friends.

So I'm re-reading this now. Getting set to hit publish. Trying to assess how I feel in this moment. Of course there is sadness. My girlie would love a sister. She would have made a fabulous big sister. No extra little person to hold and snuggle and love. But I also feel peace. My peace comes from knowing that everything happens as it should and I will never, ever be given more than I can handle. I feel that I want to share this. Even if just one person can relate. Can say, "That's how I feel." Even though this is very, very common, at the time you feel like you are the only person in the world feeling this deep, deep sense of loss.

Feel the feelings. Never apologize for the tears that come on milestone days. Or on just any day at all. Just because your little bug never came into the physical world, he or she was in your world. A part of you. That little part that will never be replaced.

XO

Filling up my soul...and doing a little running

I'm getting a little excited for yet another adventure. I'm going to be a Sole Sister. 5Km run. Complete with a hug station (Halifax firefighters, yes please).

I mean check out this route...



It's not so much about the running as it is just being with the girls, all 1500 of them. HAHA It's going to be a great time. I'm heading to Hali with three other lovely ladies bright and early on race day. We plan to take in the information sessions, do a little shopping, obviously do the 5Km and then dance our pants off at the after party.

Can't wait to chill with my Sole Sisters.

Love the one you're with. XO

Human Touch

I've been having a bitch of a time lately. I have my best girls to chat with about it but it's either on the phone or via email or text. The other day, I popped by the office of one of my besties. We chatted. I vented a wee bit and on with the day I intended to go. On the way out she gave me a little pat on the back. The nice kind. The kind that meant "I have your back Chiquita." I needed that. Made the whole afternoon better. I must tell her that....

Never underestimate the power of human touch. A pat on the back. A hug. A touch to the hand or arm. It can make a world of difference to someone that's feeling a world of hurt.

Love the one you're with. XO

Last year - Boobies

I took at look at what my blog post was this time last year, it was this....

http://authenticlifeinslowmotion.blogspot.ca/2012/05/one-of-dangers.html

And go figure, this weekend I bought new bras. They were smaller. I also bought new drawers, they were bigger. I'll thank squats for that.

Ah, how the body changes...

All good. It's all good. :)

Love the one you're with. XO

How long it's been since I've been gone

Hi,

I wasn't sure how long it's been since I've been gone. It's been a while. I tend to write here in fits and spurts depending on what's going on in my crazy life. Crazy it has been. I could write about 101 things tonight. One of those nights when my mind is swirling. BUT, it keeps coming back. To one spot. Me.

Me.

Hard to speak directly about myself. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's not hard to tell what is on my mind. Surprisingly, however, just a skim of what is brewing is revealed most of the time. Shocking! I know! ;)

So back to me. I've been faced with a really hard decision recently. I am still in the midst of deciding actually so each day my mind rumbles away pondering all the pros and cons of a particular situation. Today I have come one more step. Me.

Sometimes it feels selfish to put one first. Especially when I am a woman. A mom. A civil servant by profession. A server of my country. Serve. Serve. Serve. You. You. You. Maybe me if I have some time and/or energy.

Today, my step. I'm first. I'm going to continue to grow my mind and my body. I'm going to get to a yoga class a week (hopefully more but we'll go with this for now). I'm going to keep giving it at the gym and maybe step it up and get some professional guidance to kick my ass in gear. I'm going to take my Reiki Level II in July. I'm going to a meditation open house this week. I want to get back in that zone. :)

I have some milestones in mind. I'm sticking with them. I'm determined to make this work...for me.

My road is a happy one.

Love the one you're with. XO

Catch my Breath

Music always speaks to me. Always has. Loving this song right now. Funny how music becomes much more relevant depending on the phase and stage we are in life. Hope you enjoy this as much as I do. (Love you Jbird). XO

I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith kinda comes around
I'll spent the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath!

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now (it's all so simple now!)

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

Co-written by Clarkson, and Jason Halbert and produced by Eric Olson

One of the best books I ever bought

LOVE this book. It has every exercise you can imagine in it. I use it in conjunction with Tosca Reno's Workout Journal. I write up my circuits using exercises from this book. These exercises work because they are designed to be in a circuit (that's the layout of each routine). Their routines are my basic guideline and then I build my own circuit, making sure I include each body part and have a good mix of push/pull. Can't go wrong. Sweating like a piglet the other day. Felt good. :)

So if you're looking for a little guidance and something to help you switch it up, I highly recommend!

Love the one you're with.  XO

Everything's better with tuna...and cheese

I know my last couple of posts have been a little bleak. Maybe it's my mood lately. Who knows. Back on the happy wagon. Life is what you make it after all.

SO!

FOOD! That makes me happy. Makes many people happy. HAHA

My latest creation. Super yummy!!

Tuna Noodle Bake

4 tbsp margarine
1 small onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp sweet rice flour
1 1/2 cups milk(soy or dairy)
1 tsp Italian seasoning (this makes it super good)
1/2 tsp salt, pepper, dried mustard, thyme (I didn't use dried mustard)
4 cups cooked macaroni (I used brown rice pasta)
2 cans tuna, drained and flaked
2 cups peas (I used finely chopped celery)
1/2 cup crushed potato chips

Preheat oven to 350F. Melt 2 tbsp of margarine in small skillet. Add onion and garlic and cook for 2 minutes or until softened.

Melt remaining 2 tbsp margarine in medium saucepan over low heat. Whisk in rice flour. Cook for 2 minutes (stirring constantly and without browning). Stir in milk. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer 2-3 minutes or until thickened. Stir in Italian seasoning, salt, pepper, mustard and thyme.

Combine pasta, onion mixture, tuna and peas in large bowl. Add sauce and combine. Transfer to shallow baking dish. Sprinkle with potato chips. Cover. Bake 15 minutes. Uncover. Bake for 10 minutes or until hot and bubbly.

Of course, I added a little low fat mixed cheddar. Cheese makes everything better.

Love the one you're with. XO

Costa Rica

I was not made for this cold weather. Well I was. I think maybe I wasn't made for "this" life. That's a weird statement to make, I know. I think I'm a woman stuck in a modern, materialistic, pretentious, self-absorbed, entitled world. I'm surrounded by stuff I really don't care about anymore. Harsh. Maybe.

I want a simple life. Live off the land. Relaxed job, preferably helping others. Everyday being an enlightening experience. I want to be close to nature. I don't want to worry about having the right clothes or my hair being just so. I don't care about the house you live in or the car you drive. I just care about if you're nice to people. I don't want to have to rush. I want every moment to be a chance to learn and share. There's no other word to describe it other than SIMPLICITY. I know, I sound like a hippie. Maybe that's me in another life, minus the dope smoking.

Who wouldn't like this...

Moving to Costa Rica is an excellent choice for those who fancy packing it all in and relocating to their own piece of paradise. Many people choose to retire there in order to enjoy the superb climate, breathtaking vistas and warmth of the Costa Rican people. Unlike many Central and South American countries, Costa Rica enjoys a stable government and peaceful lifestyle. The country does not have an army and Costa Ricans are extremely friendly and full of joie de vivre.

www.costa-rica-life.com

So I'll keep dreaming. I mean a girl has to dream right....

Love the one you're with. XO

Random thoughts...

I watched this VIDEO again last night. I cried again. What a beautiful person. Stunningly beautiful on the outside and you can feel her soul...her light. She's someone's angel here on earth. She is touching lives. She touched mine. So, my random thoughts as I'm watching this video again.

Life is precious.

Dream.

Live to be an example.

Fall in love.

Have no regrets.

Be good and true to people.

The beauty on the inside will come out on the outside when you are kind and caring and loving.

Love unconditionally.

Be vulnerable.

Do what makes you happy.

Be yourself.

LIVE.

Laugh.

Be magnificent.

Be the light.

Love the one you're with. XO